First I would like to say that I am so blessed to be married to Ben. Sometimes I feel like our marriage has been doubly blessed because of all the stuff that we went through early (and even before) in our marriage. Then things like last night happened:
We literally got in a fight over a word.
How does that even happen? I’m still kind of wrapping my head around it, we are fine today of course, no hard feelings. But thinking back on it, how does a couple fight over a word? Well, it is because that word is not a nice word, to me. Yet, it isn’t to him. As much as I don’t like to fight over anything, let alone small things, it was an interesting way to get things out there and allow us to communicate about it. Now he knows where I stand on it and I know why he does what he does.
So my point, it’s okay to fight over words or whatever is ridiculous in your marriage because it can open a line of communication that wasn’t there before. You just have to learn what being angry without sinning means (Ephesians 4:26).
Well let me start with this: I was sexually abused as a child. There I said it or at least wrote it. I’ve only said it a few times and I’m (very) old (feeling).
When this hashtag movement started it gave me, what I would consider, a PTSD kind of feeling. I don’t mean to downplay PTSD and I don’t pretend to “have” it like a Veteran does, but I started having flashbacks to things that I have consciously tried to not think about for about 28 years and I was having physiological responses. My stomach hurt, I was sweating, my head hurt etc. I didn’t and still do not want to talk about it or think about it. This movement kind of sucks, right? Have you seen all of the #MeToo’s? I have.
But let’s get to the point of this post. I had to write about it and I have to talk about it. I have kids. I have to tell them that no one can touch them or hurt them. And if someone did, then they have an open door to tell me about it and that there is no shame. That if something like that ever happened to them it is not their fault. The actions of the aggressor was/were/is plain evil. They know about evil, they see it. I had this talk with my daughter and her eyes welled up with tears thinking about me being a little four year old girl getting hurt, it was sad and it hurt me to have to say it out loud, but now she knows that it can happen but it doesn’t have to be a secret for 28 years and it doesn’t have to happen to her because we talked about keeping ourselves safe.
Back to #Metoo, I don’t know why this one guy in Hollyweird (H.W.) was allowed to hurt so many people. Then again, I never told anyone and I was four. When my kids were four they talked so much I couldn’t get them to stop to eat or sleep….and I kept my little innocent mouth shut. I just recently even told my mom. I think The Lord knew it was time, that I was ready. I am thankful that I am ready, it only took about three decades…some of use mature faster than others.
When I told my mom who it was she knew him. I don’t know his name and I would like to keep it that way. I think I am blessed (in several ways) because he wasn’t a family member, he was a neighbor of my grandma. My mom also told me that he was a “junkie” and that he died a few years ago. Again, I feel like that is a blessing because I have this weird thing with integrity and character I would have needed to confront him and pray with him and then probably kick him. Or worse, let’s be honest. I pray that he didn’t hurt anyone else all those years ago. My mind thinks, maybe he died young wouldn’t that be great…but that just seems wrong too.
So to wrap it up, when you see the #MeToo posts don’t do what I did, don’t dismiss them, think they should’ve named their attacker, or think they’re out for attention. Because if this garners any attention it isn’t the kind that I want. Also, have the talk with your kids, girls and boys. My friend Christa runs a child safety center in my hometown and she has some resources available to have this hard talk with kids (click on talk and it will take you to their site). And if you are like me and started having PTSD-like feelings, it really does help to talk (or write) about it. Now is the time, I think.
What do you know about people “getting it?” And when I say “people” here I’m even talking about the folks right around you, who know you well. Sometimes it feels like I am in a well of despair but instead of concrete walls going up it’s lined with kids, footballs, flags, black & white shirts, bills, money (floating away), places I am supposed to be, stinky laundry, clean (laying on a couch) laundry, fast food, gas stations, dirty cars…
I have had it today. I need to get FIVE kids picked up. I’m totally great with adding kids to our brood, especially this one because he is an awesome mannered fella, but I’ll tell ya, the thought of driving forEVER to get everyone before the places close is giving me anxiety. The real kind, where you feel it in your fingertips. It is making me frustrated, also, that I have to do it. Every day. Where in the world does it say the mom is the only person responsible for all the things?
Okay, rant over. FOR NOW. *insert maniacal cackle*
I have a link here that I would hope you’d look at and consider:
This sweet baby needs both prayers & donations! His story is remarkable and it will just continue to bless us all!
There is also a facebook page that gives updates all the time! His momma, Jamie, will be posting more when they get to New Orleans for their Hyperbaric Oxygen Treatments!
I have been so blessed being married to Ben. There are countless reasons: our kids, our church, our jobs. Really it would be pointless to list all the reasons why he is great, but the reason I am thinking about today is this: He has the best Grandparents. He has both sets. They’ve both been married to their spouse forever so there isn’t any step or half. (Not that that is a bad thing, but it is so different from my family). Today I was lucky enough to talk to his Grandma Doris, I don’t get to talk to them (her and Grandpa Lee) a lot because he can’t hear and she is terrible at technology so calling her is always hit and miss whether or not she can hit the proper button to talk…but today it worked. And she cried because she misses me and our fam. How sweet is that? But even sweeter she complimented me on how I handle her grandson’s job. She said she is amazed at how I can manage four little ones and still get to where we are going and do it half way right. She said that she had two boys and sometimes couldn’t make it work. She said if she had to deal with a football schedule she wouldn’t have been able to do it. This woman is the smartest lady that I know, she can do anything so this is such a compliment to me.
Do you ever feel like that as a Coach’s wife? Or I guess Coach’s husband…
Dead weeks are almost up, for those not in the sports world, that is the few weeks at the end of June beginning of July where no athletic events can happen. No practice, no working out, no camps. Well those end this week and with that that means our fun little summer break is officially over. I hope we can sneak in some stuff here and there but it stinks knowing that football is back…it will be “fun” football when school starts and you can see the games and the boys growth but right now it just seems like a downer.
We went to Hot Springs to a lake house that our friend’s own. They let us stay there for FREE! It was so beautiful and right on the water, it was amazing. We swam, ate God’s chicken (Chick-fil-A) and went to Magic Springs. It was an amazing few days. That was our summer vacation and I will cherish every memory! Including the scary snake, but I’m not talking about scary snakes today.
This was the view from the upper balcony.
I’m sad our little summer is over but I like how it isn’t crazy yet. It is like we can slowly add the events until school starts…then by then we will ready and firing.
Today is June 21st. It’s the first day of summer, it’s the day my brother in law was born (23 years ago) and it’s a day I’m very proud of my husband. It’s only been 10 months or so since I’ve blogged anything but I figured I’d post this so I can look back on it in another 10 months.
There has been some work drama for him. Coaches coming and coaches leaving, transfers, promotions etc. This is probably normal for most coaches’ families but there actually hasn’t been much change since we have been Badgers. This is our third season and the first two everyone stayed…this year we have had three or four leave. Some have gotten better opportunities at our school and some had the ability to be head coaches in other schools. With all the changes my hubby requested to be transferred to the middle school campus, he teaches History at the high school and wanted to try it on the middle school level. Several of the coaches that were hired are only certified for 5-8th grades whereas he is that and secondary level. He did that to make himself more marketable to be hired and it is a good idea, but it didn’t work out for him this time. He is still at the high school. I was disappointed because the lady who is Principal at the other campus is so lovely. The lady who would’ve been his department head is who I wanna be when I grow up. The schedule would have been a little more flexible for his coaching duties. But alas, a no.
Now, I am not one to be told no. Luckily this happened to him and not me. BECAUSE he has been so great. He didn’t go down the tank or get angry or get prideful or get snooty. He just knows that The Lord is watching out for him and guiding him. A no for this means a yes for something else. Now isn’t that great? Shouldn’t we all take a page from that book?
In all the change there have been people who have not been happy. It is so easy to look at someone else and see their sin. To see the pride or anger. To see the fit that they are throwing. But we have to remember to be a spiritual contributor, we have to pray for them through this. They are probably hurting more than just because they were told no. There is a lot to every situation and we have to use this opportunity to pray for people when they can’t see past this problem in front of them.
This morning my ever loving, fall asleep as fast as lightning, snore louder than Godzilla hubby says, “Man, that baby slept like a rock last night.” Oh really? Surprise to me, considering that HE fed the baby at midnight and again at 2:30. I was up pumping so I saw him do it. We even talked to each other. We didn’t say anything of consequence but I think from now on I am going to do all my big asks then…this big baby of ours is 4.5 months old but really trying to prove himself. He’s almost got holding his bottle down!
This week school started up and we had some family drama but it was all handled so well. I don’t know how people have a life without God. We have been so blessed. We have felt His presence more in the last week than we have ever before, and He has shown out before! I am so thankful for my family…the ones that live with me and the ones that just pray for me from afar! I know they probably won’t ever know it, but we truly love them all!
Okay I posted about most everything that has been going on in the past few months but I barely touched on my experience breastfeeding. For one thing this is my fourth baby and my first time being able to breastfeed longer than a month. I am normally around a 34A and right now I refuse to measure because they are so large. I actually call them milk jugs, creative & classy, huh? I also normally exercise and since they move around when I walk I refuse to do anything that might actually make them BOUNCE! What the heck!
I think being back at work (since he was six weeks old) has made it worse because I am an almost exclusive pumper, so that sweet bonding time you’re supposed to have with your baby is limited to the middle of the night feedings and let’s be honest those aren’t the prime times for bonding. I dread having to go home for lunch on my break every single day and pumping. And then having to do it around 4:30 every afternoon. And then again around 9PM and then again around 2AM. And then again at 7AM. Now I’m sure you’re thinking 1. that I am selfish or 2. why don’t I just breast feed. Well, once you start up the work/daycare routine his feeding times are extremely different than my needing to pump times. In a perfect world I could go to his school and feed him but it’s too far away. Sometimes we get lucky and I can stay in bed longer and can feed him. It’s so much easier than the mind numbing twenty minutes of pumping.
I asked my hubby last night if he thought there could be a direct correlation between breast pumping and depression/anxiety. I mean, I sit in my dark room and pump while I eat breakfast then I eat lunch in there and then I am awake at night by myself pumping away. I do have three bigger kids who sometimes stroll in there and keep me company. They are all pretty funny so that is my favorite time, otherwise I’m on my stupid phone looking at stupid facebook (but that’s another post on another day).
I think a smart person needs to check into my previous paragraph. Breast pumping and anxiety. I tell you what, I can feel it in my finger tips & toes. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, good for you. All that anxiety just coursing through my body sucks. I wish it burned calories then I wouldn’t have to worry about the BOUNCE!